Won't Back Down

2011-12-11T17:21:00.001-08:00

i'm really tired of this feeling. it seems to never go away. this sadness that sits right next to me, refusing to ever leave. i know one day it will but from this point until then, it seems like forever.
i'm just completely distraught about what happened to us. how you quickly forget about me. how you make me feel so small in my own mind. you took my smile away as you walked out of my life. if i saw this coming, i may have been a little bit more prepared but i was completely blind sighted and i feel like i can't get my vision back. i want to scream and shout at you but that would do no one any good.
in a way, i can't even face it. and maybe if i face it, i would be able to let this sadness go. i dont know why i'm holding on to something i can never obtain. but, i suppose i have this small itty bitty hope that i'm refusing to let go as well. i can't think about the happy times because it'll make me hate it that much more. i know that others have gone thru so much more than i have, but this is my story and they really have no idea what it's like to be in my head.
i laid in bed for 12/13 hrs because i couldnt bring myself to face the world. all you've said were lies and shows your true character, but i can't help but just hope for the best out of you. it just never changes. can you look at yourself in the face and say that you did the right thing. you did the right thing by hurting such a fragile soul.
you took every piece of me that i gave you and destroyed it and handed it back as if were never damaged at all. you took and took and took and never ever gave. not even a little of what i asked...and i dont ask for much but you continue to ignore my cries of pain and anguish. are you that cruel that you would ignore all that i have done and have been to you?
i hurt and you dont care at all.
it's karma, no doubt. it has turned around and realized that i deserve to be treated this way.
just let me know when i have endured enough so that i can stop hurting and move on.

i'm tired of running away from myself to find myself back at the same place. i can't escape it. that's what is so unfair about this all.

you made me feel like i was never enough. and i can't bring myself to show others that i am enough because of it. you've destroyed who i became. and now my path is stalled.

i want it to all end and act as if we never existed. if only that could be.

2011-11-24T22:18:00.001-08:00

so i got caught by my dad about to smoke some. thanksgiving day and all of us kids huddled in a circle about to do a pass around and as it came to me, i was daydreaming and dint here "your dad is behind you" and by the time i realized it, my dad saw me. he dint say much but still....
i always wanted to smoke some w/ my paps. i could only imagine. i hope he isnt too upset w/ me. i mean.....i go to work full time, take care of all my bills, and take care of me and my roommates. i deserve a break. not doing anything bad. not killing anyone, just relaxing and chilling acting all cool. i'm 23yrs old. i'm old enuff to make my own decisions and the kids are alright.
good night overall. loved it.

2011-11-24T10:34:00.000-08:00

This is my first time actually having to let someone go. and i'm not sure how. how do you get your heart back when you gave it away. it's not as easy as i thought. i have never truly given something away so easily and now it's more difficult to get it back.

i tried. i have given more than i have ever given to someone. at least i can say that i took care of you and loved you unconditionally. at least i did my part. even after all the pain you have caused me, i still can't seem to let you go. i suppose this is life and love. and i'm at this age experiencing it all.

i still think i'm taking this better than i could have. i knew that i had to go thru it one day and i was waiting for karma to attack me. i just really wished it wasnt him that it happened w/.

i still want him back. he still makes me happy and i dont want to let that happiness go. i want him to want me. i can't force him. that would be pointless. all i can do is show him that i can make him happy and no one will take care of him the way i do. i hope one day he'll notice and remember and realized what he lost.

my best friend told me that there is always a winner and a loser, and i'm the winner in this case. i suppose in their eyes, i am the winner just because they felt i could do better, but i right now i feel like the loser. i'm the loser that gave my heart away that easy. i should have guard it better but i couldnt. i wanted to show him how it feels like when someone loves you w/ no judgement and always there to fight for you. but that was just too much for him. i was too much yet still not enough for him.
i'm going to be ok. i will. i always am. once i learn how to take back what is mine. he doesnt even want it.

i can't breathe.

2011-11-09T09:41:00.001-08:00

this anxiety has risen to its highest point and i'm freaking out. i'm stressed out of my mind and this week is going by too slow. i havent been to work for 3 days now. my body and mind is making me a complete mess. i cant focus. i really feel like i'm losing it. i'll feel better when i get to move into my new place.
i just need to feel like i'm doing this for something or someone.
my chest is going to collapse. i cant breathe. what more can i do? i'm so afraid of failing that its giving me this anxiety. how did i get to this point. i'm on edge. at the brink and i just wanna jump.
...... wait. i'm not going to fail. fall back.
i must show that i'm stronger. i cant lose sight. i can make it through. i'm staying positive.

relax. i must.

2011-09-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

"Most People Waste Their Time Trying To Find Someone To Sleep With, Instead Of Trying To Find Someone Worth Waking Up To"

I really wouldn't have it any other way. waking up in the arms of the person you love, is worth giving up every other guy for. <3

2011-09-22T05:32:00.001-07:00

i'm a fool that's in love & waiting for him to realize that he's in love w/ me too.
i quietly whisper i love you in attempt to actually let you know my feelings but of course i back up knowing he's not ready and who knows when he'll be ready to finally admit he loves me too.

Skinny love. : when two people love each other but are too shy to admit it but they still show it.

2011-09-20T10:19:00.001-07:00

When you know, you know. and i think i know.

i want him & only him.

the end.

All you can do is learn from your mistakes.

2011-09-10T15:11:00.001-07:00

this is a story of a broken heart due to a broken friendship. in the end it was me who destroyed us as friends. i slid to the background and stayed there and now my friends has moved on w/o me. i was hoping it would never come to this point, but it did. and me trying to gain back my friends is harder than i thought. this hurts more than losing a guy. my friends take most of my heart, and so now most of that heart is broken. foolish me. i did nothing, and the people who carried me thru my darkest hours has left me there.

i dint mean to lose them. but i have no one to blame but myself. i learned to grow on my own and apart from them and now i am a stranger in their eyes. i no longer feel like i hold a place in their hearts and the part where i held theirs, is damaged. i'm completely out of the loop w/ everything and i can't find my way back to them. i tried. or more of, i'm trying. i'm trying to be better. i'm trying to gain back my friends. but its tougher now that i feel like they give no fuck. well i can't say i give no fuck, because currently i'm giving the most fuck i have ever given towards something. i want us back. it doesnt have to be the way it once was but i want a part of that back. i want us to be able to run to them like i once did. but it was my fault that i let the clouds that surrounded me be an asshole.

what am i to do?

2011-09-07T06:08:00.000-07:00

i can't help but fall, & i hope his hands are there to catch me.
all i need is one glimpse & i'm satisfied.

Life has moved along wonderfully.

2011-09-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

how would i have ever known it would turn out to be this way. i always dreamt of it but never realized my daydreams would come true. i got out of an old relationship w/ no issue. it slided into my past as if never happened. and the person i always wished it to be has suddenly landed on my lap. that easy? i'm not sure. what i am sure of is that i have never felt so right in my life about someone. he suddenly occupied my mind like no one's business. he just sat there. the moment i wake up and leave his side on my bed until we return to the same spot that night. it was a routine but it was the perfect routine.
how can someone so far away suddenly be right next to me. how did we end up here the way we did. we always spoke of it but i always had doubts, like this perfect dream i had of this person can never come true bc it just wasn't possible. i was w/ a boy that never felt quite right. and suddenly out of no where, i was free. me and you just existed. no questions asked. we just knew.
he was perfect. for me. so calm. so lovely. so wonderful.

the ex boy's new girl wanted me out of his life completely. no being friends w/ him or his family. that did me such a great favor. there are probably a few i dont mind being friends w/ but i'm glad that past is put to rest. she can have him. bc i found something much, much, better for me.
i feel blessed to have gotten where i am today w/ little complication. there was maybe a little waiting but i'm glad i was patient. this has never felt so right in my life.
if i look at my past, i've always forced myself to love. this one came so naturally. so easily but this time i'm going to wait to say it. to make it worth it. i want this one to be real. no doubts. no worries.

this boy puts a smile on my face like no other.

we're going to make it. despite what people think or say. we're going to make it.

now that this part of my heart has been taken care. i have to worry about the other people that occupy my heart. my friends. the distant has made my heart grow fonder. i feel like i have misplaced them and i forgot to go back and find them. i feel like they're searching for me but now they are tired of seeking for their lost friend. they haven't replaced me, but they've stalled on us. not their fault, but my own. this is the one of the only issues i have in my life at this time.
i hid away from the world so much that they have lost tracked of where i am. they have no idea who i have became.
this friend of their became a whole new person w/o them knowing.
i'm different...how will they ever accept.

i'm going to make it better somehow.

2011-06-26T02:37:00.001-07:00

i need to get back to writing. so much has happened and the year is already half over.

2011-01-16T19:55:00.000-08:00

it's always a little nerve wrecking when you realized that you're off on your own and becoming independent is no long a choice but a path. you're finally growing up and taking care of numero uno. I'm learning to take care of myself and trying not to depend on other people so much. i know that i tend to walk over certain people because they are so willing to help but i can not longer do that. i have to pull myself away from such selfish living. i need to learn to say no to help but to learn to make it on my own.
I'm very scared at this point in my life because I'm making a deals for myself and i'm not sure which one are right. i'll try to learn from my mistakes, i just hope i don't make to many.

Second day of 2011

2011-01-02T18:06:00.000-08:00

01:01:2011
where was I? Downtown Des Moines. Of course right. Where else would I be. I can remember all that I can remember for that night. Of course I roamed off. I always do, but how do I always bring myself to walk away from everyone w/out knowing. idk. but it happens to often.
Woke up 2pm went to sleep at 10pm.

01:02:2011
woke up at 2pm once again.
total of 16hrs of sleep.

i have to do something new and different this year. i have to let things/people go that will pull me down. do things you want to do. don't stop now. you're young.
it was a slow start, but i'm gonna do something different this year.
i wanna change.

2010-10-31T16:02:00.001-07:00

i'm finally beginning to enjoy everything about my life. there are many many road bumps along the way but what can i do but ride it out. my life isnt perfect, and its not where i want to be but i'll get there. i'm enjoying my life.
i'm still a little scared of getting hurt but sadly, i'm expecting it. i dont know why. karma...that's who i'm really waiting for., but until then, i'm enjoying this life of mine.

2010-10-27T23:27:00.000-07:00

i miss talking on the phone until the sun comes up. i miss sleeping on the phone and waking up and hearing your breath on the phone. i miss having someone there that wants to be w/ me all the time. i may not want my past back, but i want parts of it. i want what i once had in small doses. i want to be catered to. i want to be loved like i was the only woman in the world. i'm not asking for too much right?
i feel like it may be too much for some while others are willing to be on the phone w me for a lifetime as long as i'm there.
thats why i have to be strong enough let go and live.
dont search. but wait patiently.

2010-10-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

it's easier to say nothing at all and blame it on karma. the things that happen in your life is your fault. and if karma ever comes your way it's because you did something to upset her of course.
I've realized a few things in these couple of days...i realized that there are certain things i already expect certain people to do because they are who they are, and i should not get upset about the things they do. yes, it's a harsh betrayal but you already expected it, so i accepted it. i know it's not something you accept, just because you expect it, but it's easier to breathe that way.
you already know faithful isn't a word to describe them so knowing this....you should already know they wouldn't be. it's not like that word describes you either. it's not like you're squeaky clean...so that's why i accept it.

2010-09-15T18:32:00.001-07:00

she’s reckless, probably the worst. she’s young, only because she chooses to be. she’s a fighter, only because there is so much to fight for. she’s without a doubt content with what she’s doing and where she’s going. but if you have better plans, she has no problem in switching ways. because the only path she sees at the moment is forward.

2010-09-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

i have crazy missed feelings. one day i hate you the next day i love you. you make my guts go crazy in love and then crazy in hate.
you're a douchebag. but you're my douchebag.

i'll probably never return. but i like the comfort of you in my mind.

2010-09-02T06:46:00.000-07:00

day two of breakup.
& i'm praying that i slowly lose feeling for your existence, but sadly i'm slowly missing you.
but i need to let go, because i can't change the way i am for someone unwilling to change the way they are for me.
it should have been perfect. there shouldnt have been a worry in the world when we were together but thats not the way it happened.
i'm not craving for love as much as i once did. i'm craving to LIVE.
let me live.

2010-09-01T20:27:00.000-07:00

and your douche-ism will one day ruin you. bc it ruined me.
you tell me that i need to grow up.
bc i ignore you when you use that douche ass tone on me?
bc i walk away from your douche-ness?
i admit have much issues. but your issue are 10x's worst.
i never realized that someone that suppose to love you can put you down that much.
i'll take it. i'll take it all. and i pray that karma is finished with me.

this has to be my favorite break up bc it was to get away from someone that verbally and physically abuses me.
you can't be a self-less person when you complain about how much you spend on people and how much you do for people.
selfless is when you do things and never ask for anything in return.
i'll give you everything you have ever given me so that i can have my life back.
i'll take your razor blade words, i'll take your quick hands, i'll take it all.
and i hope you realized what you have done.
two opposite people who supposedly fell in love turned into two opposite people realizing they never were.

behind closed doors he's no angel.
but neither am i.

2010-08-28T07:13:00.000-07:00

i wonder if things are slowly falling apart so that my future can slowly fall together. maybe whats happening now is what is suppose to happen. maybe i am suppose to slowly lose everything so i'll be able to gain it all back one day.

the way i see love is not the way i once seen it.
i don't crave for it as much as i once did. i like living this in a relationship/out of a relationship feeling.

there is alot of things i need to change, and that is the way i feel for you. if you would like me to love you more then you should def do something about your douche-ism. its effecting the world, not just me. and i wish you could just see it. i ignore it. but one day its gonna be hard to ignore.

2010-08-16T20:41:00.000-07:00

my life has untold secrets. hidden lies. hurtful regrets. blocked memories. and so much more that lips should not speak of and ears should not hear.
but i'm okay with them.

2010-08-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

my life isnt perfect. no one ever really is.
i do a lot of messed up things. a lot.
i'm sorry for the people that i have hurt but i can't turn back time and change it

i like where i am at the moment. i may not be in love with the life i am living but content with where i'm at. i'm not searching for true love. it'll find me if it hasnt already.

i know where i'm headed. it may take some time but i'll make it.
i want to let it all go here and head to where i feel like i'll be myself.
i want to start a new life for myself and not live this crazy reckless stupid life.

I'll make it. and no one is going to stop me but God himself.

2010-08-08T12:10:00.001-07:00

i'm sorry once again.

2010-08-03T19:25:00.001-07:00

i dont want to be all about you when there is nothing to be about.

2010-08-02T23:06:00.000-07:00

so i decided i want to move to hawaii. its a dream at the moment but i'm determined to make my dream come true. i dont have much to hold me back and if i'm not gonna make it happen then who will.
we are all walking in our own path. but i realized my friends will always be my friends and the people who care are the ones that are still here. we'll just continue in our own path and this is the path that i want to go.

HAWAII. take me there plz.

2010-07-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

i know the world is consuming me. i see it. it's not that i'm not trying but it's so hard.
such foolish thoughts. bc you see that i'm not trying.
i understand that i have a taste of this reckless, self destructive world and i can't pull out. but i really want to try. it might not seem like it with my actions. but my mind wants out. that's a step up from where i was before.
but at times when i hear words that put me down bc you "dont see" that i try makes me want to not try even more.
the devil gots me wrapped around his fingers and he's toying with my life.
if i can only get out of his grip, maybe my anger might subside a bit.

2010-07-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

happy times.
i got myself into shit, i get outta shit, and right back into the same shit.

but it makes me happy.

if you really knew how foolish i am, i wonder if you'll feel the same way.

2010-07-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

it's easier to believe what you want to hear. you tell yourself you're okay so that the world doesnt see your pain. why should they? they can't fix who you are, they can't take away the pain. all they can do is feel your pain. you dont want them to feel that, so you hide. you hide it all. you say nothing. you feel nothing in front of them. you smile and laugh and you tell them you're happy. you're happy for them, you're happy for yourself, and you're happy with the world. in reality, you have no where to go.
you're stuck in a box. every way you turn its blocked off.
i'm happy but i'm not. i'm happy where i stand, but i'm not happy with what's happening.

2010-07-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

ahhh i'm so upset at this world at the moment.
i understand that family is family and you can't get rid of them but why must they be so stressful. i wish my brother was more responsible. why why why must he do the things he do. why can't he try to fix the things he broke. i'm tired of being this middle person trying to send msg back and forth. i'm tired of trying to fix his mess. why can't he just be responsible and help out. i'm not trying to put him down but he's literally tearing my father down. he's broken as it is and i cant help but cry everytime i talk to him. it hurts to hear the things he is going thru. i wish i can take his pain away, i wish none of this happened to him.
i'm really tired of bearing everyone's pain on my shoulder. i understand they hurt but i'm carrying allllll their pain on my shoulders. i'm falling apart and i dont know what to do.

2010-07-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

my day is going no where.
it's super unsafe to be in my head right now.
crazy thoughts are running running running through my mind
they're fun though.
lately i've been super nervous and my fingers won't stop moving.
they're fun to look at, rubbing on each other.
what am i really nervous about.
i feel like my life is falling together and i'm afraid of falling apart.

"all things are difficult before they are easy"
how true can this quote ever be.

2010-07-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

i'm okay. i'm really okay.

the louder i say it the better i feel.

2010-07-19T18:53:00.000-07:00

if i like someone i want to talk to them everyday. wouldnt you? dont you just love texting them and calling them just to hear their voice.
i wonder if you feel that way.

2010-07-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

there are so many things left unsaid. so many things i wished i could have said. every battle and every fight i have ever fought with you & with him have words that could never come out. they sound so pretty and nice in my head and when it comes to letting it out...there seems to never be enough time or never a perfect moment to let it out.
i wish i can say it all but not now, when i could have back then. i wish i never held back and i'm learning to never hold back what i feel. i'm just going to say it all bc my life is too short to keep it all inside. there is not enough space in myself to keep every little thing bottled inside of me.
my life is changing and so am i.
there are days i feel empty. days i feel like i can't move forward. i go to work and i come home and there is an empty void. nothing to say and nothing to feel.
i wonder if you ever feel that way. if i ever caused you to feel that way then i'm sorry. i'm sorry for the words i said that tore you to pieces and words i dint say that could have cured your pain.

i hope one day we'll all be happy with the path we chose and the life we decided to live. living your life does not mean to let it go by each day but making something of yourself so that we can all be happy with the choices we make. so i'm going to really try to live my life and try to make the best of it.

2010-07-17T14:31:00.001-07:00

i see i see i see...you're talking to a new girl.
i know you will be reading this.
i want you to always always always be happy. there is so much that i have done wrong to you and you dont deserve the way i treated you. i'm glad you're moving on in life and you can finally find happiness in someone else. you're a special guy and you deserve a special girl. one day i hope we can be friends again with no hard feelings and no animosity. i have always loved you and i still love you like a friend. and friends want the best for their friends.

i also want you to know that i'm okay. i'm dealing with my life and my life dealing with me. i'm finally okay with where i am at. i know you will always worry about me and i appreciate that. so i'm letting you know now that i'm okay with where both our lives are headed.

you're awesome and you always will be awesome. and i hope you find the right perfect awesome girl for you, even if it wasnt me.

<3youalwaysdude.

2010-07-16T11:43:00.001-07:00

i know my full time friends apart from my part time friends. i'm sorry to say but they'll always have the best of me.

2010-07-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

i dont usually paint my nails but i think i'm gonna paint them today.
i want to do something out of my color this wk.

Goals

2010-07-15T07:12:00.000-07:00

save each month
cruise to Jamaica
hang out with sister more
call mom/dad more
eat healthier
walk more
read more
budget better
call friends more often
write.

2010-07-14T11:30:00.001-07:00

2010-07-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

2010-07-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

i hope he knows that the rules are the same. what goes for me must go for him. no ifs buts or ands. he want this to be a healthy relationship then he better push hardcore.

2010-07-11T14:10:00.000-07:00

i did what i had to do. said my sorrys.
and hopefully my heart will settle back down where it use to be.

2010-07-11T02:37:00.000-07:00

it hurts and it hurts bad. i wish the pain was not so unbearable but it is.
of course she would still love him. but i cant help that. its not my fault or his.
i just needed to know. and now i know that she still loves him

my ex loves me and his ex loves him....what do we do? turn away from eachother and go back?
would that be a good idea. if he thinks so then i have nothing else to fucking say.

she may be a good person, who knows? she may even be better than me. if she is and he decides to go back to her then...goood for him. he should definitely do the best for him. if i'm not it, then okay. go for the best. shoot for the stars. do what you gotta do.

it hurts.
it really does,
i told my friends that if it hurts too much then pull me out.
hit me.
literally hit me.
i'll allow it. if it hurts that bad and i dont leave then just hit me.
pull me the fuck out. i told so many of my friends this and i wonder when they will tell me that he's fucked up and tell me to pull out.
no matter how much i love this kid....i gotta pull out.
i'm good for now. until when?......

my tears are gone but my pain still exist.

put me thru this fire and i'll pull you down to hell.

i'll let you be if you feel that i need to go...but if you asked me to stay....
then i'll fight like a soldier.

2010-07-10T08:50:00.000-07:00

i know i deserve much more but i like what i have and its just enough.
i know i can make it on my own without him but what will it be without him
i know i hurts at the moment but its a battle i like to continue.

i'm learning to work sshit out. let me learn.

2010-07-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

you know what sucks about relationships, they are all different. you have to build yourself up for each new person. you have to learn about them. you have to let go of things that have hurt you so that you can move on in life.
lately, i feel that karma is after me. I've been avoiding her for far too long and she finally caught up to me. she's making me feel this heart aching pain.

there are so many things i would like to change about my life but i realize that it's part of growing up. you learn to accept things the way they are and better yourself somehow.
I'm a selfish and reckless person. i have always been and naturally people just don't want to change themselves because they are so comfortable. but change is part of growing up.
i guess i come to realize that I'm tired of being called childish and immature.
i may not see that I'm childish or immature but when others are seeing it in myself then i must accept it and choose to change. I'll learn to talk it out and not be so irrational, i'll try to be patient and not run away. but you gotta understand that its hard and be patient. i'm seeing my mistakes and flaws, i'm not always this misbehaved child like you see i am. i'm not stupid or blind. i see it all. more than you may ever know. i just like being myself...but sometimes it affects others. i'm learning to change little at a time. my little may not be fast enough...so i'm gonna speed up a little.

lets go back to talking about relationships.
one thing that bugs me is when your bf turns his back on you and bashes you. i'm not a big fan of anyone doing this, let alone your bf. i must say that it never happened to me before and i do not enjoy it when it does happen. i know i'm a bitch, i'm selfish, i'm childish and immature, i'm stupid and dumb. i know this. but for you to turn around and let others know my bullshitness...its just grimy. to pull me under the bus over and over again to see me lying there dead bc of your words yet blame it on me bc it was my fault....its just filthy.
at this moment i am talking about you so that you know its not cool for you to talk about me to your peers, family member, ex girlfriend, whoever. i dont give a shit. i dont like my name out of your mouth or anyone else mouth.
its funny bc the most shit talking i ever got from anyone has come from you.

i want a bf that stands by my side and defends me. defends who i am. not tear me down and look bad. i try to speak highly of you. your a hard working person and i understand. i wish you knew that money isnt gonna be with you when you die...but we'll talk about that later. i want a bf that wants to know about his gf. every little fucking detail. lately i haven't told anyone about you or i bc it's only painful information. the way we treat each other is so fucking ridiculous. but for some odd fucking reason, I'm here. I'm working it out like i never worked it out before. this is me trying to grow up.
my one wish from you to me is..stop throwing me under the fucking bus. what we say or do to each other is no one's fucking business. everyone hears your side of the story but i have a story to tell too. but what fucking type of girlfriend would i be if i talked shit about you.

from this point on, i'll stand by your side and work with you and not against you. picking you up and not kicking you down.

don't touch my scar plz.

2010-07-09T06:33:00.000-07:00

they're my wounds and my scars. not for you to talk about or let my pain and sorrows be known. every cut and every scar that is resting on my body is far prettier than the scars and cuts in my heart. talk about that. talk about the times you've sliced my heart into pieces.
i like my secret little life. i don't need nor want anyone, even my friends to know my pain that i'm going thru. i would never wish any sort of heart-brokenness to any of my friends or let them see how deep i got.
why are you allowed to let my pain be known to your friends.
i select who gets to see my open scars.
all i need from you is to see where they came from.

you see me as this child that never wants to grow up. but i see you as an arrogant and selfish person that needs to only benefit himself. but in the end... where a perfect match.
you teach me and i teach you.
we're not alone..but days like this, i wish i was.
i shut my mouth to the outside world bc they have no right to be inside unless i invite them.
I'll let you know when its okay to enter.
secret is...i'm losing trust in you. and i'm pretty sure in a matter of seconds you'll do it again.
this is my life and my story. please don't ruin my life story.

the fight is getting harder but i'm not ready to give up.

stalled in my steps.

2010-07-08T05:55:00.000-07:00

my eyes are swollen, proof of tears and pain.

i can't leave. i tried. i really did. packed and ready to go. but i couldn't bring myself to leave.
i could have easily did it on my own, had a place to stay and ready to move on. but deep down i couldn't feel my heart beat or maybe it was beating too fast. but i couldn't leave.
i really had to fight for it this time. and for some reason i wanted to work on it, its more working on me then on him. definitely not saying that he doesn't need work, bc he needs as much work as i do.
someone once said that he's "good" for me. i dint see it until i realize it was almost gone.
it was easy to say goodbye but not easy to finish the goodbye.

this is probably my last battle. bc we both know this should have been my last.
why dint go i go, i saw it in his eyes that he needed me to go. and heard it come out of his mouth. he needed me to leave to feel the pain that i put him through. I'm pulling him down as much as he's pulling me down. but for some reason I'm pulling him up when in reality i need him to help me up.

but sadly, even if i cried til my heart stop beating, he doesn't see it.
even on the last day, he was able to some how hurt me some more. and me being me i had to accept and understand.

i'm stalled and wish he was able to just help.
but he doesnt see that he's just as stubborn and selfish as i am.

i want the passion and the desire. and i will make it happen.

2010-06-30T20:19:00.001-07:00

why should i care when there is barely nothing to care about.
i can do i t on my own. and i promise you this...i will!

i dont want anything from you knowing that i have to pay you back.
i rather do it on my own and pay myself back.
thats the way you think right?
well so will i. i should probably go on my way and do it on my own now.
thanx.

2010-06-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

oh gawd. i'm going out of my mind. it isnt right anymore. i'm doing it again. really again? i'm self destructive they say. ohhhh how true can they ever be.
i'm running? hiding? idk. i'm so afraid that i'm not ready for this all my life crap. i dont have a goal in mind. do i need one? i'm okay with my life and then suddenly i'm not. i'm not okay with my life. i'm not satisfied and then i feel like i want another escape. this escape isnt enough. its not right anymore. i dont want to go back and i dont want go on the way i'm going.
i'm losing it again arent i?
i'm going to end up ruining you. so i'm gonna say sorry for it now.
sorry.

2010-06-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

first.

2010-06-24T10:53:00.001-07:00

going to scream and shout it here.