Moving along nicely.

So i decided that i'm moving to California. an adventure for 4 please. Lom, Vicky, Laura D. and I decided that this town isn't quite right for us anymore. It's a big move but at this point, i know i want it. We are all moving along just fine. I got a 2nd job, vicky got a 2nd job. laura is moving back to dsm until we move. it's going to be hard and we're going to fall down and have a million road bumps but i want to conquer it all. who else are better to go with than these fine people.
bc of this move...i'm putting everyone on hold.

emotionally unavailable. i have to remain that way.

i'm becoming my own person.

For the past couple of months or more like the past year, my life has been a bit foggy. i wasn't sure who i was living for and what my destination was. all i knew was i was living for everyone else but myself. i was trying to prove something when i already proved it all. i graduated like everyone asked of me, got a legit job, live apart from my family, doing it all on my own and still i felt like i was doing something wrong.

i realized after a few road bumps that i'm not going to care anymore. that sounds ignorant, but i mean, i'm not going to care how people see me. i'm not going to care what they say about me or the people around me. these people have helped me be the person that i am. i have realized that i am who i am and i dont care how you view me. i was so caught up in pleasing everyone that i forgot to please myself.

i work hard. and i play harder. but there is absolutely nothing wrong w/ it if i got all my shit together.

i'm secure in who i am and from this point..i dont think i care for anyone's judgement of me or my friends.

2012

It's been 4 months since i moved to Sherman Hill and there has not been a dull moment. This move made perfect sense and everything fell into place, everyone fell into place. this life has been so wonderful to me. so many new faces and new places i have never explored. it's been such a great adventure and i'm afraid to leave it all behind but i know that soon, i must.
this year is passing by quicker than i thought. i have 7-8 months until i move to Cali. I want to live it up as much as i can in here and then i'll be off on to another adventure in a land far away.
this has been such a great learning experience for me. i learned to let people go and accept that not everyone is bad, even if they made bad choices, including myself. i'm learning about who i am and why i am the way i am. i'm a tad bit reckless w/ every aspect of my life but i cant slow down.

but i realized the more you understand and accept me for who i am... i'll just cherish you more.

i'm in love w/ my little family that we created. my roommates are beyond awesome.
if i can write a book about us and how we are...that would be too cool. lol

this life makes a little more sense now. i dint need any boy or anyone to take care of me. i needed my friends. i needed myself.
tho there may be an empty void in myself somewhere, i'm still very content w/ everything and everyone that is in my life.


--side note.

so lately i've been chasing this person. and the more he ignores me the more i just want him. but i let it go. i cant keep playing the fool. i continue to chase false hope; i think i do it because deep down inside i know i'll never be able to have him and that's exactly what i want. i dont want him, i just want him for the moment. i have to leave and i cant open up to anyone right now..... or if ever. baggage. everyone has them. i just dont have a lot, and he has plenty. i'm afraid to get to know him but i just want him. sounds odd. i just want to be in his life. even if i was hidden away. i dont mind. i just want to be in it. but i have to quit chasing something that does not want to be chased. space. i'll let it be. i'll just day dream, like a usually do.

It's just a little crush. but it's my entertainment for now.

i'm really tired of this feeling. it seems to never go away. this sadness that sits right next to me, refusing to ever leave. i know one day it will but from this point until then, it seems like forever.
i'm just completely distraught about what happened to us. how you quickly forget about me. how you make me feel so small in my own mind. you took my smile away as you walked out of my life. if i saw this coming, i may have been a little bit more prepared but i was completely blind sighted and i feel like i can't get my vision back. i want to scream and shout at you but that would do no one any good.
in a way, i can't even face it. and maybe if i face it, i would be able to let this sadness go. i dont know why i'm holding on to something i can never obtain. but, i suppose i have this small itty bitty hope that i'm refusing to let go as well. i can't think about the happy times because it'll make me hate it that much more. i know that others have gone thru so much more than i have, but this is my story and they really have no idea what it's like to be in my head.
i laid in bed for 12/13 hrs because i couldnt bring myself to face the world. all you've said were lies and shows your true character, but i can't help but just hope for the best out of you. it just never changes. can you look at yourself in the face and say that you did the right thing. you did the right thing by hurting such a fragile soul.
you took every piece of me that i gave you and destroyed it and handed it back as if were never damaged at all. you took and took and took and never ever gave. not even a little of what i asked...and i dont ask for much but you continue to ignore my cries of pain and anguish. are you that cruel that you would ignore all that i have done and have been to you?
i hurt and you dont care at all.
it's karma, no doubt. it has turned around and realized that i deserve to be treated this way.
just let me know when i have endured enough so that i can stop hurting and move on.

i'm tired of running away from myself to find myself back at the same place. i can't escape it. that's what is so unfair about this all.

you made me feel like i was never enough. and i can't bring myself to show others that i am enough because of it. you've destroyed who i became. and now my path is stalled.

i want it to all end and act as if we never existed. if only that could be.

so i got caught by my dad about to smoke some. thanksgiving day and all of us kids huddled in a circle about to do a pass around and as it came to me, i was daydreaming and dint here "your dad is behind you" and by the time i realized it, my dad saw me. he dint say much but still....
i always wanted to smoke some w/ my paps. i could only imagine. i hope he isnt too upset w/ me. i mean.....i go to work full time, take care of all my bills, and take care of me and my roommates. i deserve a break. not doing anything bad. not killing anyone, just relaxing and chilling acting all cool. i'm 23yrs old. i'm old enuff to make my own decisions and the kids are alright.
good night overall. loved it.

This is my first time actually having to let someone go. and i'm not sure how. how do you get your heart back when you gave it away. it's not as easy as i thought. i have never truly given something away so easily and now it's more difficult to get it back.

i tried. i have given more than i have ever given to someone. at least i can say that i took care of you and loved you unconditionally. at least i did my part. even after all the pain you have caused me, i still can't seem to let you go. i suppose this is life and love. and i'm at this age experiencing it all.

i still think i'm taking this better than i could have. i knew that i had to go thru it one day and i was waiting for karma to attack me. i just really wished it wasnt him that it happened w/.

i still want him back. he still makes me happy and i dont want to let that happiness go. i want him to want me. i can't force him. that would be pointless. all i can do is show him that i can make him happy and no one will take care of him the way i do. i hope one day he'll notice and remember and realized what he lost.

my best friend told me that there is always a winner and a loser, and i'm the winner in this case. i suppose in their eyes, i am the winner just because they felt i could do better, but i right now i feel like the loser. i'm the loser that gave my heart away that easy. i should have guard it better but i couldnt. i wanted to show him how it feels like when someone loves you w/ no judgement and always there to fight for you. but that was just too much for him. i was too much yet still not enough for him.
i'm going to be ok. i will. i always am. once i learn how to take back what is mine. he doesnt even want it.

i can't breathe.

this anxiety has risen to its highest point and i'm freaking out. i'm stressed out of my mind and this week is going by too slow. i havent been to work for 3 days now. my body and mind is making me a complete mess. i cant focus. i really feel like i'm losing it. i'll feel better when i get to move into my new place.
i just need to feel like i'm doing this for something or someone.
my chest is going to collapse. i cant breathe. what more can i do? i'm so afraid of failing that its giving me this anxiety. how did i get to this point. i'm on edge. at the brink and i just wanna jump.
...... wait. i'm not going to fail. fall back.
i must show that i'm stronger. i cant lose sight. i can make it through. i'm staying positive.

relax. i must.