Late nights

I know what it feels like to have my heart broken. I never want to feel it again. But I keep thinking about the what ifs & I break my heart all over again. I want this madness in my mind to stop creating fictional scenarios & allow me to rest. 

I want you to be only obsessed with me the way I'm obsessed with you. 

I am happy. 

New Intentions

It's about wanting to be a better me. Do things so that I will benefit later in in life, whether it's to wash my face every day or do yoga more. I just want to do things for me.

-write in my journal more, try to do it every day

-brush day/night

-put money aside

-do more yoga/exercise 

-love a little more 

Worth it

When I first fell in love with you, I knew you were different. My chest hurt from loving you so much. I never thought that I would lose what I felt. I never thought my feelings for you would ever change. 

Then one day it did. What was done, was done. 

I told you over & over that each day my love for you lessen. I knew those words hurt. I wanted them too. I wanted to hurt you. The worst pain is the ones that come in words & rip at your heart. That was the kind of ache I was aiming for. I wanted to tear you apart for ever allowing me to feel betrayed. 

But maybe we betrayed each other along the way. Maybe I stopped trying the way I once did. Maybe I made you feel so small that the only way for you to feel big is for you to go down that path. Maybe it was my karma & I needed to feel that pain. 

I knew there was this karma that has been following me around, waiting for the perfect moment to present itself. 

I hope karma worked & it's done with me. 

But after all that happened between us, you kept trying, so I kept fighting. 

----

Honestly, I didn't want to fall back in love with him again. Part of me wanted to leave & never forgive, the other part knew better. The part of me that shouted, "no one's perfect, keep trying." The part of me that knew if I left so easily, I wasn't worth keeping around then. 

---

Now we are here. A year later. 

& it's happening again, I'm falling in love. 

What I hate is the fact that there are times when I still feel bitter. I hate that it irks me that someone got in between us. Why wouldn't I still be hurt. I hold that crap deep inside me & it's forever buried in the darkest part of my heart. 

I'm sure if she knew, she would be so satisfied with herself. She seems like a gal who hates herself but is happy when she's able to hurt other people. 

I know that the only way I would be able to let it go is if I unbury it myself. 

I just don't want to betray myself in the process of doing it. Maybe one day I will come to terms with it but until then, it still fucking irks the shit out of me. 

Trust. Trust me, you're already getting what you deserve. In your own reality, you're no queen, peasant. 

Karma, you'll get yours, you'll always get yours bc you're not a good person. 

Sorry, not sorry. 

The things I would say to you are no longer relevant because you now changed your story so now I must change mine.