what have i done? falling for someone knowing that i have to leave.
it crossed my mind more than once last night. i dint want to think about it. i felt the pain swelling, so i pushed it aside. i felt it in my bones that it was going to hurt. letting you go, which i never want it to cross my mind, is going to be very difficult. i wanted to find a way out, not out of going away, or out of you, but out of the pain that was going to happen. i wonder if you saw it on my face. you're so oblivious at times. it's ok i suppose. but i wonder if you'll ever see that pain every time we talk about the future. it would be nice if the future was about us. but it was about you and your dreams and mine w/ my dreams. who would have thought that going for my dreams may hurt just a little.

it was such a perfect night. a night with you. just me and you. i couldn't stop my heart from pounding. it wanted to jump out of my chest to be w/ you, that;'s how close i wanted us to be.
so close that you inhale what i exhale, your heart pounds as my heart skip a beat. i want us to be so close that when you hurt, i bleed.

i loved the memories i created this year, but if i have to start it again. I want to find you so much sooner. I should have made a move when it first crossed my mind that i wanted you. that would have been the perfect time. but timing.... can it ever be perfect?

no. i dint want this. i told myself i never wanted it. i wanted to be free to do as i please. i dint want to be held down by anyone. but i'm not held down. not by you. i feel free, free-er than i have been all year. you give me flight. you show me what it's like to actually be cared for. everything before you left a void and i'm pretty sure, everything after you will leave a void as well.


we're just going to have to live it up until we can't. but darling, i miss you already.

where is my mind?
it's hard to say. it's been drifting back to you. the nights we had. the nights to come.
the heat coming off of your body as you lay next to me.
i was sweating like no other. couldn't push you off. you dint budge. so i laid there, naked. lying in my own sweat.

this is nice. having someone to hold me at night. waking up to arms around me. it's the comfort i feel that i'm already so use to. it's so much harder to leave when this happens. so harder to get up and work, knowing that all i'll be thinking about is being back in his arms. like i said, its a nice feeling. i haven't had it for so long. not this comfortable state. everything before left a void in my soul, but this fills it. he makes me happy. i've been missing this happy feeling. i've been yearning for it for so long and having it makes the wait worth it. it happened so suddenly. but everything happens all so suddenly for me. no time to waste. no time to save. just went for it. best move i ever made this year.
i know what i'm getting myself into. i know i have to leave when time comes, but until then i just want to hold on to it. i'm not sure where it will end, maybe it wont. maybe we'll fight a little harder when it happens. but right now, at this moment, he makes me happy. happier than i have been for a really long time. he makes me better. hopefully.... i do the same for him.
balance.

Moving along nicely.

So i decided that i'm moving to California. an adventure for 4 please. Lom, Vicky, Laura D. and I decided that this town isn't quite right for us anymore. It's a big move but at this point, i know i want it. We are all moving along just fine. I got a 2nd job, vicky got a 2nd job. laura is moving back to dsm until we move. it's going to be hard and we're going to fall down and have a million road bumps but i want to conquer it all. who else are better to go with than these fine people.
bc of this move...i'm putting everyone on hold.

emotionally unavailable. i have to remain that way.

i'm becoming my own person.

For the past couple of months or more like the past year, my life has been a bit foggy. i wasn't sure who i was living for and what my destination was. all i knew was i was living for everyone else but myself. i was trying to prove something when i already proved it all. i graduated like everyone asked of me, got a legit job, live apart from my family, doing it all on my own and still i felt like i was doing something wrong.

i realized after a few road bumps that i'm not going to care anymore. that sounds ignorant, but i mean, i'm not going to care how people see me. i'm not going to care what they say about me or the people around me. these people have helped me be the person that i am. i have realized that i am who i am and i dont care how you view me. i was so caught up in pleasing everyone that i forgot to please myself.

i work hard. and i play harder. but there is absolutely nothing wrong w/ it if i got all my shit together.

i'm secure in who i am and from this point..i dont think i care for anyone's judgement of me or my friends.

2012

It's been 4 months since i moved to Sherman Hill and there has not been a dull moment. This move made perfect sense and everything fell into place, everyone fell into place. this life has been so wonderful to me. so many new faces and new places i have never explored. it's been such a great adventure and i'm afraid to leave it all behind but i know that soon, i must.
this year is passing by quicker than i thought. i have 7-8 months until i move to Cali. I want to live it up as much as i can in here and then i'll be off on to another adventure in a land far away.
this has been such a great learning experience for me. i learned to let people go and accept that not everyone is bad, even if they made bad choices, including myself. i'm learning about who i am and why i am the way i am. i'm a tad bit reckless w/ every aspect of my life but i cant slow down.

but i realized the more you understand and accept me for who i am... i'll just cherish you more.

i'm in love w/ my little family that we created. my roommates are beyond awesome.
if i can write a book about us and how we are...that would be too cool. lol

this life makes a little more sense now. i dint need any boy or anyone to take care of me. i needed my friends. i needed myself.
tho there may be an empty void in myself somewhere, i'm still very content w/ everything and everyone that is in my life.