A little at a time

I grew up thinking I would never change my mind or ruin my faith. I was raised a Christian & that life was engrained in me. Only after so many years was I able to wash most of the wine that permanently stained my skin. I thought my faith would help me understand the world that surrounded me but it only kept me inside a box. I felt like all these questions that were circling my head could only truly be answered but the answers were beyond the box. When I finally decided to stop praying, I knew that i was on a different adventure. I was on a mission to find out the truth. & truthfully, Christianity was not the answer for me. Those people are missing out so much. So much truth out here in the "secular" world but they are fed lies. The truth & guide is within yourself, call it Jesus, call it your conscience, call it whatever, but know that is the only thing that can lead you to the truth. It took me awhile to figure it out but I had to feel in order to know that the world is not black & white but a mixture of different grays. I know nothing, & the little I know, is enough to suffice my craving for now. 

My friends call & check up on me every so often to make sure life is moving by smoothly. & it is for the most part. But currently as happy as I may seem, there is something stirring deep down  inside of me waiting to burst into flames. How do you tell your friends that your happy but not happy enough, content but not content enough. 

Everything is slowly becoming nothing. 

It's an indescribable feeling

This sadness has taken over my body & is slowly seeping through the cracks into my soul. There is an absence of explanation & uncontrollable urge to just escape into thin air. If only I was able to vanish without leaving any lingering feelings behind, I would do it. But there is too much to lose & so much to tend to that any sort of escape would be selfish. 

I long for something I can't explain. Not a higher power to come rescue me like everyone would like to think but a yearning of a home where you once were & only time can take you back.

I'm happy with the life I have given & the life I gave but we all know that everyone is always constantly seeking for something more. Something we can't really grasp at bc it's more than just anything tangible & beyond intangible. So here I am living this life, not quite sure what's causing so much anxiety. Maybe it's all this unabsorbed energy floating around causing my insides to react in such away that is almost unbearable.  No amount of tears shed will guide me to where I need to be. 

Maybe it was just the memories of you. The path I chose not to take. Even if I did take that path, I wonder if you would have want it too. 

I searched & I found you. I laughed. It must have just been the history we had. 

Maybe another life

I dreamt of you. I remember how I felt when I was standing next to you. I longed for you. I wanted so badly to touch you. As I reached out to you, you pulled away. I felt the way you distance yourself. It hurt. I needed you to want me like you once did, but you’re cold. 

I pray it’s only a dream. 

.micl

Baby butt.

Do you understand?

Did you notice how I say 'no' to you more often or how I don't jump to your every whim now? Do you ever wonder why I've distant myself from you? Can you feel the cold exuberanting from my heart? Or are you just ignoring the void that has been growing between us? Do you really think it's the distance or did you begin to realize that I'm starting to see pass your facade; the facade of sweet & sincere kindness, the facade of true friendship. No, you put a price on everything & I'm starting to see that I might be worth nothing. I don't bring anything to the plate the way I once did & I'm not sure I want to. 

As much as you say I'm the bestest, you've haven't really proven to me that you are the beatest. Is it all an act to get what you want? Have I given you all that you can take? All I'm saying is, I know I'm a good friend. No, I'm a great friend. I've consistently taken care of you, you, you, & you. What have you ever done back for me? 

The distance has made me see the bigger picture. I have a lot to offer, & so do you, but you offer it to everyone else before me. I know a real friend when I feel it. I now know who I should take care of first, me. 

I'm done putting people before my needs. I'm done trying to help. Show me first.