People I could have been in my past life.

Preacher : if you know me, you'll understand. The way I preach about a certain subject & how I try to engrain an idea into you. Especially when I talk about the bible, I have a weird way of explaining how I see it. 

Or I could have been a 

Teacher : 

Also a 

Therapist of some sort. : I just empathize with how people are the way they are and I just get it. I understand and constantly want to help. I love knowing people's most deepest secrets & fears just want people to feel they are not alone. It makes me feel like I once was a helper of feelings in my past life. 

Father & son

I can stare at this forever. 

Good night. 💭

My mind swirls with endless thoughts of nothingness. Constantly running in circles & repeating its cycle. It never stops. It's just thinks about this & is tortured about that. It'll surely go mad with its infinite strings of life lessons & dead connections to people that wandered in & out of its life. It's currently being defeated with lack of sleep & has gone off to its own world with magical images that can only found in sleep. 

Blocked my view.

Aliens are real. 

Boom. 

Onto the next note. 

My insecurities verse yours. Yeah you. Read in between the lines. It's you I'm talking about. 

We are not friends, but our insecurities show through. But what you don't know is that what you see as my insecurities are more of a curiosity. So it's like my curiosity verse your insecurities. Face&embrace it. 

What are you scared of girl? I was just looking and then you blocked my view. Strange. Just as strange as I am. 

I don't bite bc if I bit you would have felt it. I nibble, & only if you allow me. Weird, I know. But just as weird as you. 

Now you just made everything, everything awkward. 

Sleep.

I lay awake tonight thinking about all the little shit that shouldn't even bother me. My insecurities are slowly creeping through my skin & sooner or later it will show itself. 

It's not like I doubt your love for me, even though I wonder how anyone could love an insane person like me. 

Obviously it's all in my head. Everything lives there, all my secrets & fears, all my insecurities & jealousy. And I'm finally realizing how crowded it is in my head with my reckless & crazy thoughts. 

If only I was better. 

List of names

I will continuously come back to add more names. Names I like, I love, I will use.

•Agnes 

•Llewelyn

•Augustus 

•Theo

•Athea

•Genevieve 

•juniper

•janessa

•Luther 

•Eden

My heart has been stolen.

Arthur Ranger.

No one owes you anything.

Lately I've been thinking about the things I've done in my past. More about the things I've done for people in my past life. So willingly to just open the palm of my hand & lend every bit of my soul to them. Now I sit here feeling guilty at feeling this sort of way. Feeling as if I should be owed something back for all that I've done for them. Selfish of me, I know. I just hate myself for allowing people to walk all over me. I don't need anything from them but I would definetly appreciate it if they feel like ever repaying me back. All that i put into & now I just felt like I've been walked over & over on. I wouldn't feel this way so much if they exited my life completely but bc their presence still lingers, I feel as if I'm still constantly being used.  Constantly giving them this unconditional love but then I feel as if they are using my love. I just feel weak & pathetic for allowing people to use me so much. I guess I should have just spoke up about it. Maybe I should have formed a thicker skin earlier in life. I know it's in my past & I don't ever have to allow anyone to do that to me again but it still sucks feeling like I wasted so much time, energy, love, & my life on them. I can never change the past so all I can do is just say.... Charity. Lessened learned. 

No one owes you anything. 

9mos & still waiting.

Mad Scientist.

The days are creeping by & I'm not quite sure on how I am feeling. I mean, there is no turning back now & it's not like I wanted to. I just don't know how nervous I am or how excited I am for this next adventure. I just can't wait to meet the little guy. He's already showing me that he's almost ready to exit. He's putting on quite a show for the grand finale. I'm just bearing it all. I'm really surprised on how quickly these 9 months has passed us all by. All this preparation is about to pay off once I get to meet my own flesh & blood. I can't wait to feel his skin against my skin & his heart beating against my chest. I can't wait to see the outlines of his features  & how he will forever be apart of me. It's like I'm a mad scientist waiting for my creation to come to life. Not that scary but just about. I shouldn't have to wait that much longer. Any day now. Any day now.