i know the world is consuming me. i see it. it's not that i'm not trying but it's so hard.
such foolish thoughts. bc you see that i'm not trying.
i understand that i have a taste of this reckless, self destructive world and i can't pull out. but i really want to try. it might not seem like it with my actions. but my mind wants out. that's a step up from where i was before.
but at times when i hear words that put me down bc you "dont see" that i try makes me want to not try even more.
the devil gots me wrapped around his fingers and he's toying with my life.
if i can only get out of his grip, maybe my anger might subside a bit.

happy times.
i got myself into shit, i get outta shit, and right back into the same shit.

but it makes me happy.

if you really knew how foolish i am, i wonder if you'll feel the same way.

it's easier to believe what you want to hear. you tell yourself you're okay so that the world doesnt see your pain. why should they? they can't fix who you are, they can't take away the pain. all they can do is feel your pain. you dont want them to feel that, so you hide. you hide it all. you say nothing. you feel nothing in front of them. you smile and laugh and you tell them you're happy. you're happy for them, you're happy for yourself, and you're happy with the world. in reality, you have no where to go.
you're stuck in a box. every way you turn its blocked off.
i'm happy but i'm not. i'm happy where i stand, but i'm not happy with what's happening.

ahhh i'm so upset at this world at the moment.
i understand that family is family and you can't get rid of them but why must they be so stressful. i wish my brother was more responsible. why why why must he do the things he do. why can't he try to fix the things he broke. i'm tired of being this middle person trying to send msg back and forth. i'm tired of trying to fix his mess. why can't he just be responsible and help out. i'm not trying to put him down but he's literally tearing my father down. he's broken as it is and i cant help but cry everytime i talk to him. it hurts to hear the things he is going thru. i wish i can take his pain away, i wish none of this happened to him.
i'm really tired of bearing everyone's pain on my shoulder. i understand they hurt but i'm carrying allllll their pain on my shoulders. i'm falling apart and i dont know what to do.

my day is going no where.
it's super unsafe to be in my head right now.
crazy thoughts are running running running through my mind
they're fun though.
lately i've been super nervous and my fingers won't stop moving.
they're fun to look at, rubbing on each other.
what am i really nervous about.
i feel like my life is falling together and i'm afraid of falling apart.


"all things are difficult before they are easy"
how true can this quote ever be.

i'm okay. i'm really okay.

the louder i say it the better i feel.

if i like someone i want to talk to them everyday. wouldnt you? dont you just love texting them and calling them just to hear their voice.
i wonder if you feel that way.

there are so many things left unsaid. so many things i wished i could have said. every battle and every fight i have ever fought with you & with him have words that could never come out. they sound so pretty and nice in my head and when it comes to letting it out...there seems to never be enough time or never a perfect moment to let it out.
i wish i can say it all but not now, when i could have back then. i wish i never held back and i'm learning to never hold back what i feel. i'm just going to say it all bc my life is too short to keep it all inside. there is not enough space in myself to keep every little thing bottled inside of me.
my life is changing and so am i.
there are days i feel empty. days i feel like i can't move forward. i go to work and i come home and there is an empty void. nothing to say and nothing to feel.
i wonder if you ever feel that way. if i ever caused you to feel that way then i'm sorry. i'm sorry for the words i said that tore you to pieces and words i dint say that could have cured your pain.

i hope one day we'll all be happy with the path we chose and the life we decided to live. living your life does not mean to let it go by each day but making something of yourself so that we can all be happy with the choices we make. so i'm going to really try to live my life and try to make the best of it.

i see i see i see...you're talking to a new girl.
i know you will be reading this.
i want you to always always always be happy. there is so much that i have done wrong to you and you dont deserve the way i treated you. i'm glad you're moving on in life and you can finally find happiness in someone else. you're a special guy and you deserve a special girl. one day i hope we can be friends again with no hard feelings and no animosity. i have always loved you and i still love you like a friend. and friends want the best for their friends.

i also want you to know that i'm okay. i'm dealing with my life and my life dealing with me. i'm finally okay with where i am at. i know you will always worry about me and i appreciate that. so i'm letting you know now that i'm okay with where both our lives are headed.

you're awesome and you always will be awesome. and i hope you find the right perfect awesome girl for you, even if it wasnt me.

<3youalwaysdude.

i know my full time friends apart from my part time friends. i'm sorry to say but they'll always have the best of me.

i dont usually paint my nails but i think i'm gonna paint them today.
i want to do something out of my color this wk.

Goals

• save each month
• cruise to Jamaica
• hang out with sister more
• call mom/dad more
• eat healthier
• walk more
• read more
• budget better
• call friends more often
• write.
  

i hope he knows that the rules are the same. what goes for me must go for him. no ifs buts or ands. he want this to be a healthy relationship then he better push hardcore.

i did what i had to do. said my sorrys.
and hopefully my heart will settle back down where it use to be.

it hurts and it hurts bad. i wish the pain was not so unbearable but it is.
of course she would still love him. but i cant help that. its not my fault or his.
i just needed to know. and now i know that she still loves him

my ex loves me and his ex loves him....what do we do? turn away from eachother and go back?
would that be a good idea. if he thinks so then i have nothing else to fucking say.

she may be a good person, who knows? she may even be better than me. if she is and he decides to go back to her then...goood for him. he should definitely do the best for him. if i'm not it, then okay. go for the best. shoot for the stars. do what you gotta do.

it hurts.
it really does,
i told my friends that if it hurts too much then pull me out.
hit me.
literally hit me.
i'll allow it. if it hurts that bad and i dont leave then just hit me.
pull me the fuck out. i told so many of my friends this and i wonder when they will tell me that he's fucked up and tell me to pull out.
no matter how much i love this kid....i gotta pull out.
i'm good for now. until when?......

my tears are gone but my pain still exist.

put me thru this fire and i'll pull you down to hell.

i'll let you be if you feel that i need to go...but if you asked me to stay....
then i'll fight like a soldier.

i know i deserve much more but i like what i have and its just enough.
i know i can make it on my own without him but what will it be without him
i know i hurts at the moment but its a battle i like to continue.

i'm learning to work sshit out. let me learn.

you know what sucks about relationships, they are all different. you have to build yourself up for each new person. you have to learn about them. you have to let go of things that have hurt you so that you can move on in life.
lately, i feel that karma is after me. I've been avoiding her for far too long and she finally caught up to me. she's making me feel this heart aching pain.

there are so many things i would like to change about my life but i realize that it's part of growing up. you learn to accept things the way they are and better yourself somehow.
I'm a selfish and reckless person. i have always been and naturally people just don't want to change themselves because they are so comfortable. but change is part of growing up.
i guess i come to realize that I'm tired of being called childish and immature.
i may not see that I'm childish or immature but when others are seeing it in myself then i must accept it and choose to change. I'll learn to talk it out and not be so irrational, i'll try to be patient and not run away. but you gotta understand that its hard and be patient. i'm seeing my mistakes and flaws, i'm not always this misbehaved child like you see i am. i'm not stupid or blind. i see it all. more than you may ever know. i just like being myself...but sometimes it affects others. i'm learning to change little at a time. my little may not be fast enough...so i'm gonna speed up a little.


lets go back to talking about relationships.
one thing that bugs me is when your bf turns his back on you and bashes you. i'm not a big fan of anyone doing this, let alone your bf. i must say that it never happened to me before and i do not enjoy it when it does happen. i know i'm a bitch, i'm selfish, i'm childish and immature, i'm stupid and dumb. i know this. but for you to turn around and let others know my bullshitness...its just grimy. to pull me under the bus over and over again to see me lying there dead bc of your words yet blame it on me bc it was my fault....its just filthy.
at this moment i am talking about you so that you know its not cool for you to talk about me to your peers, family member, ex girlfriend, whoever. i dont give a shit. i dont like my name out of your mouth or anyone else mouth.
its funny bc the most shit talking i ever got from anyone has come from you.

i want a bf that stands by my side and defends me. defends who i am. not tear me down and look bad. i try to speak highly of you. your a hard working person and i understand. i wish you knew that money isnt gonna be with you when you die...but we'll talk about that later. i want a bf that wants to know about his gf. every little fucking detail. lately i haven't told anyone about you or i bc it's only painful information. the way we treat each other is so fucking ridiculous. but for some odd fucking reason, I'm here. I'm working it out like i never worked it out before. this is me trying to grow up.
my one wish from you to me is..stop throwing me under the fucking bus. what we say or do to each other is no one's fucking business. everyone hears your side of the story but i have a story to tell too. but what fucking type of girlfriend would i be if i talked shit about you.

from this point on, i'll stand by your side and work with you and not against you. picking you up and not kicking you down.

don't touch my scar plz.

they're my wounds and my scars. not for you to talk about or let my pain and sorrows be known. every cut and every scar that is resting on my body is far prettier than the scars and cuts in my heart. talk about that. talk about the times you've sliced my heart into pieces.
i like my secret little life. i don't need nor want anyone, even my friends to know my pain that i'm going thru. i would never wish any sort of heart-brokenness to any of my friends or let them see how deep i got.
why are you allowed to let my pain be known to your friends.
i select who gets to see my open scars.
all i need from you is to see where they came from.

you see me as this child that never wants to grow up. but i see you as an arrogant and selfish person that needs to only benefit himself. but in the end... where a perfect match.
you teach me and i teach you.
we're not alone..but days like this, i wish i was.
i shut my mouth to the outside world bc they have no right to be inside unless i invite them.
I'll let you know when its okay to enter.
secret is...i'm losing trust in you. and i'm pretty sure in a matter of seconds you'll do it again.
this is my life and my story. please don't ruin my life story.

the fight is getting harder but i'm not ready to give up.

stalled in my steps.

my eyes are swollen, proof of tears and pain.

i can't leave. i tried. i really did. packed and ready to go. but i couldn't bring myself to leave.
i could have easily did it on my own, had a place to stay and ready to move on. but deep down i couldn't feel my heart beat or maybe it was beating too fast. but i couldn't leave.
i really had to fight for it this time. and for some reason i wanted to work on it, its more working on me then on him. definitely not saying that he doesn't need work, bc he needs as much work as i do.
someone once said that he's "good" for me. i dint see it until i realize it was almost gone.
it was easy to say goodbye but not easy to finish the goodbye.

this is probably my last battle. bc we both know this should have been my last.
why dint go i go, i saw it in his eyes that he needed me to go. and heard it come out of his mouth. he needed me to leave to feel the pain that i put him through. I'm pulling him down as much as he's pulling me down. but for some reason I'm pulling him up when in reality i need him to help me up.

but sadly, even if i cried til my heart stop beating, he doesn't see it.
even on the last day, he was able to some how hurt me some more. and me being me i had to accept and understand.

i'm stalled and wish he was able to just help.
but he doesnt see that he's just as stubborn and selfish as i am.

i want the passion and the desire. and i will make it happen.