you know what sucks about relationships, they are all different. you have to build yourself up for each new person. you have to learn about them. you have to let go of things that have hurt you so that you can move on in life.
lately, i feel that karma is after me. I've been avoiding her for far too long and she finally caught up to me. she's making me feel this heart aching pain.

there are so many things i would like to change about my life but i realize that it's part of growing up. you learn to accept things the way they are and better yourself somehow.
I'm a selfish and reckless person. i have always been and naturally people just don't want to change themselves because they are so comfortable. but change is part of growing up.
i guess i come to realize that I'm tired of being called childish and immature.
i may not see that I'm childish or immature but when others are seeing it in myself then i must accept it and choose to change. I'll learn to talk it out and not be so irrational, i'll try to be patient and not run away. but you gotta understand that its hard and be patient. i'm seeing my mistakes and flaws, i'm not always this misbehaved child like you see i am. i'm not stupid or blind. i see it all. more than you may ever know. i just like being myself...but sometimes it affects others. i'm learning to change little at a time. my little may not be fast enough...so i'm gonna speed up a little.


lets go back to talking about relationships.
one thing that bugs me is when your bf turns his back on you and bashes you. i'm not a big fan of anyone doing this, let alone your bf. i must say that it never happened to me before and i do not enjoy it when it does happen. i know i'm a bitch, i'm selfish, i'm childish and immature, i'm stupid and dumb. i know this. but for you to turn around and let others know my bullshitness...its just grimy. to pull me under the bus over and over again to see me lying there dead bc of your words yet blame it on me bc it was my fault....its just filthy.
at this moment i am talking about you so that you know its not cool for you to talk about me to your peers, family member, ex girlfriend, whoever. i dont give a shit. i dont like my name out of your mouth or anyone else mouth.
its funny bc the most shit talking i ever got from anyone has come from you.

i want a bf that stands by my side and defends me. defends who i am. not tear me down and look bad. i try to speak highly of you. your a hard working person and i understand. i wish you knew that money isnt gonna be with you when you die...but we'll talk about that later. i want a bf that wants to know about his gf. every little fucking detail. lately i haven't told anyone about you or i bc it's only painful information. the way we treat each other is so fucking ridiculous. but for some odd fucking reason, I'm here. I'm working it out like i never worked it out before. this is me trying to grow up.
my one wish from you to me is..stop throwing me under the fucking bus. what we say or do to each other is no one's fucking business. everyone hears your side of the story but i have a story to tell too. but what fucking type of girlfriend would i be if i talked shit about you.

from this point on, i'll stand by your side and work with you and not against you. picking you up and not kicking you down.