i'm really tired of this feeling. it seems to never go away. this sadness that sits right next to me, refusing to ever leave. i know one day it will but from this point until then, it seems like forever.
i'm just completely distraught about what happened to us. how you quickly forget about me. how you make me feel so small in my own mind. you took my smile away as you walked out of my life. if i saw this coming, i may have been a little bit more prepared but i was completely blind sighted and i feel like i can't get my vision back. i want to scream and shout at you but that would do no one any good.
in a way, i can't even face it. and maybe if i face it, i would be able to let this sadness go. i dont know why i'm holding on to something i can never obtain. but, i suppose i have this small itty bitty hope that i'm refusing to let go as well. i can't think about the happy times because it'll make me hate it that much more. i know that others have gone thru so much more than i have, but this is my story and they really have no idea what it's like to be in my head.
i laid in bed for 12/13 hrs because i couldnt bring myself to face the world. all you've said were lies and shows your true character, but i can't help but just hope for the best out of you. it just never changes. can you look at yourself in the face and say that you did the right thing. you did the right thing by hurting such a fragile soul.
you took every piece of me that i gave you and destroyed it and handed it back as if were never damaged at all. you took and took and took and never ever gave. not even a little of what i asked...and i dont ask for much but you continue to ignore my cries of pain and anguish. are you that cruel that you would ignore all that i have done and have been to you?
i hurt and you dont care at all.
it's karma, no doubt. it has turned around and realized that i deserve to be treated this way.
just let me know when i have endured enough so that i can stop hurting and move on.

i'm tired of running away from myself to find myself back at the same place. i can't escape it. that's what is so unfair about this all.

you made me feel like i was never enough. and i can't bring myself to show others that i am enough because of it. you've destroyed who i became. and now my path is stalled.

i want it to all end and act as if we never existed. if only that could be.

so i got caught by my dad about to smoke some. thanksgiving day and all of us kids huddled in a circle about to do a pass around and as it came to me, i was daydreaming and dint here "your dad is behind you" and by the time i realized it, my dad saw me. he dint say much but still....
i always wanted to smoke some w/ my paps. i could only imagine. i hope he isnt too upset w/ me. i mean.....i go to work full time, take care of all my bills, and take care of me and my roommates. i deserve a break. not doing anything bad. not killing anyone, just relaxing and chilling acting all cool. i'm 23yrs old. i'm old enuff to make my own decisions and the kids are alright.
good night overall. loved it.

i can't breathe.

this anxiety has risen to its highest point and i'm freaking out. i'm stressed out of my mind and this week is going by way too slowly. i havent been to work for 3 days now. my body and mind is making me a complete mess. i cant focus. i really feel like i'm losing it. i'll feel better when i get to move into my new place.
i just need to feel like i'm doing this for something or someone.
my chest is going to collapse. i cant breathe. what more can i do? i'm so afraid of failing that its giving me this anxiety. how did i get to this point. i'm on edge. at the brink and i just wanna jump.
...... wait. i'm not going to fail. fall back.
i must show that i'm stronger. i cant lose sight. i can make it through. i'm staying positive.

relax. i must.

this post no longer has any meaning. the same goes to the person i wrote it about. no meaning in my life. not now, not ever again.

deleted entry bc it doesnt matter any more. updated 5/15/2012

i want me. more of me.

All you can do is learn from your mistakes.

this is a story of a broken heart due to a broken friendship. in the end it was me who destroyed us as friends. i slid to the background and stayed there and now my friends has moved on w/o me. i was hoping it would never come to this point, but it did. and me trying to gain back my friends is harder than i thought. this hurts more than losing a guy. my friends take most of my heart, and so now most of that heart is broken. foolish me. i did nothing, and the people who carried me thru my darkest hours has left me there.

i dint mean to lose them. but i have no one to blame but myself. i learned to grow on my own and apart from them and now i am a stranger in their eyes. i no longer feel like i hold a place in their hearts and the part where i held theirs, is damaged. i'm completely out of the loop w/ everything and i can't find my way back to them. i tried. or more of, i'm trying. i'm trying to be better. i'm trying to gain back my friends. but its tougher now that i feel like they give no fuck. well i can't say i give no fuck, because currently i'm giving the most fuck i have ever given towards something. i want us back. it doesnt have to be the way it once was but i want a part of that back. i want us to be able to run to them like i once did. but it was my fault that i let the clouds that surrounded me be an asshole.

what am i to do?

XXX

Life has moved along wonderfully.

What I felt at this moment in time was a lie. 02/24/13

i need to get back to writing. so much has happened and the year is already half over.

it's always a little nerve wrecking when you realized that you're off on your own and becoming independent is no long a choice but a path. you're finally growing up and taking care of numero uno. I'm learning to take care of myself and trying not to depend on other people so much. i know that i tend to walk over certain people because they are so willing to help but i can not longer do that. i have to pull myself away from such selfish living. i need to learn to say no to help but to learn to make it on my own.
I'm very scared at this point in my life because I'm making a deals for myself and i'm not sure which one are right. i'll try to learn from my mistakes, i just hope i don't make to many.

Second day of 2011

01:01:2011
where was I? Downtown Des Moines. Of course right. Where else would I be. I can remember all that I can remember for that night. Of course I roamed off. I always do, but how do I always bring myself to walk away from everyone w/out knowing. idk. but it happens to often.
Woke up 2pm went to sleep at 10pm.

01:02:2011
woke up at 2pm once again.
total of 16hrs of sleep.

i have to do something new and different this year. i have to let things/people go that will pull me down. do things you want to do. don't stop now. you're young.
it was a slow start, but i'm gonna do something different this year.
i wanna change.