New Intentions

It's about wanting to be a better me. Do things so that I will benefit later in in life, whether it's to wash my face every day or do yoga more. I just want to do things for me.

-write in my journal more, try to do it every day

-brush day/night

-put money aside

-do more yoga/exercise 

-love a little more 

Worth it

When I first fell in love with you, I knew you were different. My chest hurt from loving you so much. I never thought that I would lose what I felt. I never thought my feelings for you would ever change. 

Then one day it did. What was done, was done. 

I told you over & over that each day my love for you lessen. I knew those words hurt. I wanted them too. I wanted to hurt you. The worst pain is the ones that come in words & rip at your heart. That was the kind of ache I was aiming for. I wanted to tear you apart for ever allowing me to feel betrayed. 

But maybe we betrayed each other along the way. Maybe I stopped trying the way I once did. Maybe I made you feel so small that the only way for you to feel big is for you to go down that path. Maybe it was my karma & I needed to feel that pain. 

I knew there was this karma that has been following me around, waiting for the perfect moment to present itself. 

I hope karma worked & it's done with me. 

But after all that happened between us, you kept trying, so I kept fighting. 

----

Honestly, I didn't want to fall back in love with him again. Part of me wanted to leave & never forgive, the other part knew better. The part of me that shouted, "no one's perfect, keep trying." The part of me that knew if I left so easily, I wasn't worth keeping around then. 

---

Now we are here. A year later. 

& it's happening again, I'm falling in love. 

What I hate is the fact that there are times when I still feel bitter. I hate that it irks me that someone got in between us. Why wouldn't I still be hurt. I hold that crap deep inside me & it's forever buried in the darkest part of my heart. 

I'm sure if she knew, she would be so satisfied with herself. She seems like a gal who hates herself but is happy when she's able to hurt other people. 

I know that the only way I would be able to let it go is if I unbury it myself. 

I just don't want to betray myself in the process of doing it. Maybe one day I will come to terms with it but until then, it still fucking irks the shit out of me. 

Trust. Trust me, you're already getting what you deserve. In your own reality, you're no queen, peasant. 

Karma, you'll get yours, you'll always get yours bc you're not a good person. 

Sorry, not sorry. 

The things I would say to you are no longer relevant because you now changed your story so now I must change mine. 

You know what? Fuck that shit. 

I know you are a contradiction to what you've expressed. 

Thank you Karma.

It's funny how things turn out. It felt great knowing the fact that she got kicked out. 

Karma is real & it works in mysterious ways. I never thought I would be able to feel right again but this was a start. 

So let me tell you how it went down. 

So it's Saturday night, i was hanging alone at my old apartment, waiting for everyone to gather up. I come across her stupid Twitter post bc she obviously wants to flaunt the fact that she was at my place of work. What was she thinking? I mean, I've warned her about not coming there. I have said it, dude has also said it directly to her, don't come around. 

1. If she dint flaunt it, maybe I wouldn't have found out & got upset. 

2. People may not have noticed her & she wouldn't have personally been kicked out. 

3. Just stay za fuck away.

So, it turns out everyone was ignoring her & was giving her awful service. (I did not know about this until later on) 

She twitters something along the lines of "not getting good service even after sleeping with the bartender" (she did not sleep with the bartender), then she deletes it. I still have it. 

Anyways, I go thru my night dancing & having an Xstatic time. I can feel the magic in the air. Energy was flowing & I can feel an overwhelming amount of positive energy. 

By the end of the night I find out that the GM told her to leave bc no one likes her there & she should go drink elsewhere. 

|| She was drunk & a nuisance to the eyes. ||

She still hangs around even tho no one wants her. How embarrassing, she's embarrassing. If I got kicked out, I would just leave and never come back & just not think about what happened. No, this stupid bitch decides to email the upper & lie & say "dint know he had a gf."

We all had a good laugh at that one. We laugh at girls who do this. Shows that awful people exist & try to ruin relationships. If we had decent humans who know better, maybe we wouldn't have so many heartaches.

I know that it's not all her fault bc the guy is usually the one who either starts it or egg it on. But if he did either of that, the right thing to do was not go along with it but bc she did, she made herself look like the bad one. Plus she did it before to another family. She liked the title "Homewrecker". Also, Like duh, guys are scum, and you fell for it. 

Where does that leave you? 

You ran back to your "favorite Valentine" bc at the end of the day, that's all you get. 

What more?

I feel foolish for staying. I can't believe that I'm allowing myself to be treated this way & I'm embarrassed for not walking away. I have no where to turn. I don't want to speak about the betrayal to my friends bc I don't want them to hate him even more. But all the things he's ever done to me, no one deserves. I'm just staying bc it's easier to work it out then to uproot so many lives due to anger. It's just not fair. I shouldn't have to be the one to give all the time. I never knew how it felt like for the person who is holding your heart to start crushing it over & over again in front of you. I'm not sure how much more I can endure. I know I'm better than this but I don't even want to give him another chance but there is so much to lose. I get why people struggle to get up & leave. It's just awful how others treat each other & expect to get away with it. Am I not human? Do you think that I do not feel? Have I not cried enough for all that you put me through? Is it my karma? Is this how life is going to be like? Me constantly having to check if he's fucking me over? What kind of life is that? 

It's so hard making life altering choices & sometimes you stall bc of it. Are you bit ashamed? How can you keep doing this to me? Do you not see how badly I hurt? What more do I have to go through until it all gets better? How has this bc such a sick cycle. What a sick world. 

Just getting through it.

It's been over a month since that incident that tore me to pieces. 

I can tell this time it's a little different. It has to be different. I can not ever allow him or anyone to mistreat me ever again. I know my worth & I know that he has a lot of making up to do. I don't want to keep throwing it in his face but he has to understand that nothing is forgiven &  nothing is forgotten. 

I guess life throws you a whole bunch of curve balls all @ once & you just have to keep moving forward. Sometimes the ball hits you & it hurts really, really bad; other times you're able to maneuver quick enough to go around it. You just can't give up. 

I just don't want to go through something like that again. It's just not fair, or maybe it's karma. Maybe whatever I did in my past is finally catching up with me. Maybe I need to hurt to fully understand what it feels like to be on the other side. Whatever it is, I think we've both learned from our mistakes. Atleast I hope we have.