What more?

I feel foolish for staying. I can't believe that I'm allowing myself to be treated this way & I'm embarrassed for not walking away. I have no where to turn. I don't want to speak about the betrayal to my friends bc I don't want them to hate him even more. But all the things he's ever done to me, no one deserves. I'm just staying bc it's easier to work it out then to uproot so many lives due to anger. It's just not fair. I shouldn't have to be the one to give all the time. I never knew how it felt like for the person who is holding your heart to start crushing it over & over again in front of you. I'm not sure how much more I can endure. I know I'm better than this but I don't even want to give him another chance but there is so much to lose. I get why people struggle to get up & leave. It's just awful how others treat each other & expect to get away with it. Am I not human? Do you think that I do not feel? Have I not cried enough for all that you put me through? Is it my karma? Is this how life is going to be like? Me constantly having to check if he's fucking me over? What kind of life is that? 

It's so hard making life altering choices & sometimes you stall bc of it. Are you bit ashamed? How can you keep doing this to me? Do you not see how badly I hurt? What more do I have to go through until it all gets better? How has this bc such a sick cycle. What a sick world.