what have i done? falling for someone knowing that i have to leave.
it crossed my mind more than once last night. i dint want to think about it. i felt the pain swelling, so i pushed it aside. i felt it in my bones that it was going to hurt. letting you go, which i never want it to cross my mind, is going to be very difficult. i wanted to find a way out, not out of going away, or out of you, but out of the pain that was going to happen. i wonder if you saw it on my face. you're so oblivious at times. it's ok i suppose. but i wonder if you'll ever see that pain every time we talk about the future. it would be nice if the future was about us. but it was about you and your dreams and mine w/ my dreams. who would have thought that going for my dreams may hurt just a little.

it was such a perfect night. a night with you. just me and you. i couldn't stop my heart from pounding. it wanted to jump out of my chest to be w/ you, that;'s how close i wanted us to be.
so close that you inhale what i exhale, your heart pounds as my heart skip a beat. i want us to be so close that when you hurt, i bleed.

i loved the memories i created this year, but if i have to start it again. I want to find you so much sooner. I should have made a move when it first crossed my mind that i wanted you. that would have been the perfect time. but timing.... can it ever be perfect?

no. i dint want this. i told myself i never wanted it. i wanted to be free to do as i please. i dint want to be held down by anyone. but i'm not held down. not by you. i feel free, free-er than i have been all year. you give me flight. you show me what it's like to actually be cared for. everything before you left a void and i'm pretty sure, everything after you will leave a void as well.


we're just going to have to live it up until we can't. but darling, i miss you already.